It happens, on occasion, we all look back on the 'what ifs' though out our lives. I really try not to because with them seems to come a flood of emotions I would rather not entertain in my heart. One of them being anger... why did the doctors assure me she was fine. The ENT (ear noes and throat doctor) did not even mention hearing loss all he talked about were tubes. Why didn't I listen to my mom and husband earlier. and the hardest Why didn't I notice. I am a stay at home mom, I stay at home- I am with my kids day in and day out. Yet I couldn't see it. It didn't even register as an idea, a thought. All of those unheard lullabies, unheard warnings- I know there were flocks of angel looking out for her as she could not have possible heard my warning cries. I at times am mad and other times sad. I know it is normal and healthy to feel these feelings. Yet that won't help me.
Honestly, Lillian will catch up. She is smart, strong willed and really has a quick humor about her. So there is no point beating myself up- could of, would of, should of. Besides maybe I would have sheltered too much, spoiled her more, and treated her differently. She loved her hearing aids since the day she got them. That has been a huge blessing. She is just now understanding everything has a name. The night night sound I have sung to her every night she now after a year of her hearing aids can sort of sing along with me. What a miracle.
At the age of 4 years 3 months she finally will sit long enough to play a game with me. After I tuck in Baby Brother for his one 45 minute nap (my first child took a 3 hour nap... I foggily remember what it was like to have free time). She runs and gets the Cinderella game she got for 'Jesus's birthday'. We also have enjoyed the bug game which is helping with number recognition. While sometimes the three hundred things I should be doing run though my head I really enjoy playing games with her. She also has great boundaries and reminds me to ignore my phone :-)
Both she and baby brother were singing the ABC's together the other day. Made me smile.
Her baby brother has started asking me "what's that" Connecting there is a name with every object on this planet. He is as thick as a brick and will be with her to help her. Her older brother gets it some of the time when he look at her and talks loud. Other times he treats her like any annoyed older brother would. When I see them helping each other at times and my heart melts. My favorite is when they watch a cartoon that is suspenseful older brother will curl up next to her and she will comfort him. She is surrounded by these delightful brothers for a reason.
Currently one of her hearing aids is in for repairs the guts (circuit) has gone crazy on her again, hissing and crackling occasionally. This is the third time one of her hearing aids has had to be sent in. Each time it gets harder because the older she gets the more she understands and the more oblivious it is that she really needs both hearing aids. I have spent a lot of loud speaking today, when normally I don't have to. We have had a lot of miss understandings today also.
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